About a boy, about a girl….

It’s an old argument and one I’ve been in countless times. It’s an argument for which I have the best logical rebuttals possible, but which makes me loose my cool to the point where my logic goes haywire and I let my emotions rule. Needless to say, it’s an argument very close to my heart.

Of course it’s to do with the rights and role of women in our society, the gender-bias and the insidious and pervasive subliminal message we pass on to our children by our attitudes and actions.

The scenario: A family of three living in the west. Very well educated (both the adults), reasonably well-off, typical conservative Marwari family where old family values and systems are respected and taught to the next generation. Yet, they find a balance between the older values and the newer realities. The husband dismisses the age-old gender-defined roles and has no qualms about doing household chores. He doesn’t think of it as a “favor” to his wife, but a part of his role as one of the household. He might be the breadwinner but he doesn’t exempt himself from taking on laborious, menial tasks that need to be done to run the household.

In my point of view, he should be commended, not just for taking on the tasks that would traditionally be seen as the wife’s, but also for doing it in such a matter of fact manner that it seems the norm, not the exception. In fact, he is ridiculed and what he does is seen as something astonishing and shameful, especially for any “woman” who happens to be present. How shameful that a MAN has to do the dishes while we women sit around and watch!!

I can understand this attitude in women a generation or two older than me. It was the norm for my grandmother and to a certain extent, my mother. But not for women of my generation and certainly not to the ones who come after us. Of course, I’m talking about my contemporaries and the women of my social strata.

From my very basic understanding of human psychology, I’d say that every human being has one common need: the need to feel needed, to be valued and to feel that he/she can make a contribution in some way. In earlier days, gender-roles were well defined and kept that way through a number of ways, education being the most important. The MEN got the education, therefore THEY became the breadwinners. They contributed in a big way to the household AND they held the economic power. Women were told to stay at home as that was their “place”. Completely acceptable to most of them as they had little or no knowledge of the outside world and were not given any means to gain that knowledge either. They needed to feel useful and valued so they contributed in the best way they could. By running the households, taking on the tedious, laborious, back-breaking thankless jobs and doing them gracefully and effortlessly. Being mothers and housewives was what they were trained for from childhood and they took great pride in excelling at it.

When education opened the minds of women, they realized that they did not need to stay contained within the four walls of their homes. My mother’s generation still took on the traditional roles, but they also travelled, read and saw the world. They took on roles that were earlier left to the “men” of the house AND they handled the normal ones of mother and wife. In my opinion, they were truly superwomen.

Then came my generation. We were encouraged to educate ourselves and become economically independent. Even though there were definite gender-biases and the long-held beliefs of the patriarchal society still held sway (a BOY’s duty was to take over the household and look after his parents and a GIRL’s duty was to adjust and align herself into her husband’s household), we were given a certain amount of freedom to make our own choices and if we were lucky and chose wisely, we ended up with husbands like Sanjay or the man in the scenario I presented above.

For women like me, who CHOOSE to become homemakers, mothers and wives, it’s very important for the men in our lives to accept the idea that it is a conscious choice and to an extent, a sacrifice. A sacrifice we CONSCIOUSLY make. I think there are very few people who would WANT to do tedious, menial, laborious work unless they CHOOSE to. For people living in places where there is little or no household help and yet they still want the same level of comfort as they were used to, roles need to be re-defined. The husband needs to acknowledge that yes, his wife has chosen to take on the difficult task of running a household even though she contributes in many other ways and takes on roles and tasks which have crossed over from being traditionally his. An important and very necessary way is for HIM to take on roles and tasks which were traditionally considered to be the woman’s. There is no shame in that, in fact, I would say there is something to be really proud of here.

I’m definitely very proud of Sanjay in that respect. He has always, from the very beginning, treated me as an equal and has never tried to confine me into a particular role. The only expectation he has of me is to conform to the basic values he stands by. He acknowledges and respects the fact that I took on the role of homemaker and mother as a choice and I had to sacrifice a career to do that. He acknowledges the fact that I do a damn good job of what I do and leaves it entirely to me. And yet, he never EVER takes it for granted. He appreciates my efforts and tries to make my job easier wherever possible – just like I do for him. He’s washed dishes, cleaned floors, cleaned out toilets, washed clothes, ironed, cooked (to the best of his abilities), and done some things even better than me, with great pride and love.

When I look at my daughters I hope I see them in a truly neutral light; as my children despite their gender. I have the same expectations, hopes and dreams of them as I would of any son. Though it has been pointed out to me that it’s unfortunate I don’t have a son, I have never, ever felt disappointed. To me, it makes no difference what gender my children are as long as they become good human beings. I don’t need a “son” to look after me in my old age nor do I need one to carry my dead body to the funeral pyre (or cremation chamber!). It’s my children’s privilege and duty and I have two of them.

 

 

The Shootout

Primary colours, collections (shoes, keyschains, ticket stubs), windows, time..

These were a few of the themes I was thinking of today but couldn't quite get them right. And then I just went and took a few pictures in the kitchen.

My theme I guess will be Things in the Kitchen:

My first few shots: 
 

The camera on burst mode caught Sanjay in the act of twirling around on his chair like a kid, a fact that was further demonstrated by his veritable tongue protrusions as seen in the last image.

 
 

Learning to take a (good) shot...

Shots?

No I wasn't at a shooting range trying my hand at at shooting down mud pigeons and no I didn't line up jellos or eat the worm in the bottle, I learnt the basics of how to use a camera - one that requires a bit more effort than point and shoot.

Sanjay and I signed up for an eight hour course at Gulf Photo Plus to see if we could learn how to do something more than use the presets on our Canon 550D. On the first day our instructor, Khaled, asked us why we had signed up for this course.

Sanjay, "I've got a beautiful wife and two adorable daughters and I'd like to be able to shoot them..."

Hmm.... I'm sure he didn't mean that literally. Yeah.

My reason was a bit more embarrasing. We've had this camera for a few months now but it's been used only by the girls. I decided to try my hand at it on Shivani's 16th birthday - and discovered that I really really didn't know head or tail about the camera. In fact, it's a miracle I even managed to get the it to work! For the first 15 minutes or so we were clicking away at the shutter button and not actually being able to "take" a single picture. We did manage to get it to work but the settings remained on auto and no one did anything more than point and shoot.

After this class I learnt a whole new language of F-stops and exposure modes, Aperture priority vs Shutter priority, ISO, DoF and the Golden Rule of Thirds.

It's really not as complicated as it sounds and truly, once you know how it all works you'll NEVER put your camera on auto unless under threat of death or worse.

So now I know the technical aspects of taking a good shot, the next step is to learn how to "see" a good shot. That's a whole different level of shooting - something we'll learn in the next course.

We were given homework at the end of the course - we have to submit three photographs defining any theme of our choice and have it critiqued by the people at GPP. I'm working on that right now, can't think of a theme that isn't too cliched or too diffcult to picturise.

Life is short and the world is small..

It amazes me how sometimes you'll come across people whom you have known, been close to and then lost touch with for over 2 decades - just out of the blue.

It's happened twice to me in the last few weeks. The first time was at a wedding in Jaipur. There I am gorging on garam garam jalebis when someone taps me on the head. Tidda and I amused a lot of people that night at the way we started yelling at each other.

"Sale..tum.." "Shut up!".."You shut up!".. We regressed in time and started squabbling like the kids we had been about whose fault it was for losing touch until his wife came and calmed us down. I'm sure she'll be the one I'll stay more in touch with considering his track record. And yet, we're still the same old pals who hung out 24/7 all through my MBA days.

And then today, almost on my doorstep, I see this very familiar figure, if someone whom you haven't seen in over 20 years can be called familiar! But then we'd been schoolmates, neighbors, college-mates as well as friends for many years. I guess we'll always be familiar. The astonishing part is that I might have missed Gauri completely if I hadn't been in that place at that time. I would never have known that she had moved to Abu Dhabi and was living so close to me. She's on deputation to IRENA and soon she'll go back to India. It's improbable that I would have crossed paths with her ever again.

But there she was, coming out of the hotel right next to our building, and there I was walking home from the beach and I was so certain that it was her from the back that I didn't think twice about yelling out "GAURI SINGH!!" in the middle of the street. She's coming for dinner tomorrow and we'll catch up and reminisce and feel a little sense of amazement at fate and propinquity.

 

 

And it's a new new year...

We're halfway through the first month of 2011 and I've yet to start acting on my resolutions. Well, some of them anyway.

1. Be happy - spread a bit of happiness around. I guess if I'm not UNhappy nor have I done anything to make anyone unhappy (hmm..I'm not sure if I can claim that, I'm sure I've had at least one or two arguements since the start of this year) I can claim points on this. Ok, half-points!

2. Be healthy - make sure my family is healthy. Yup, full points on that. Still a little worried about Sakshi's underweight but as long as she doesn't fall sick, I won't get too over-anxious-mom-like.

3. Do some good - I need to get started on that again. Starting with some volunteering at VIAD.

5. Reconnect and stay connected with old friends and family. 2010 was the year for that but I hope that carries through to 2011. In this day and age of instant communication there is absolutely no excuse to lose touch.

4. Write on blog at least once a week - Already behind on that one! But I'm getting there. Maybe if I write a few posts this week that'll make up for the lapse. Yeah, that should do it.

What am I looking forward to this year. Something new, something different. One child will come back home all grown-up now. Another is on the threshold of leaving her childhood behind. It's still such a shock to see Shivani dressed and made-up, going to parties, thinking about universities, talking about careers.

I want my babies back!!

Maybe I'll just get a dog this year...yeah, that sounds good. Or get thrown out of the house with said dog. Not so good. All in all, the start of a new decade looks promising.

 

Role Model?

Helen Wright thinks that she’s setting a good example and being a good role model for the young girls under her care and supervision. She thinks that she's empowering them with the knowledge that they can have it all; they can be mothers and career-women without having to give up or compromise on anything in either one of the two roles. She makes it seem easy and do-able and quite normal to deliver a baby in the morning and go back to work at noon - with the baby in tow!! I was infuriated to read about this woman and the precedent she wants to set.

Wow, what an achievement. Medical advice aside, all those generations of wisdom passed on over the years is actually just bullshit, then. After carrying a baby to full term for 9 months, going through enormous physical, emotional and hormonal changes in our bodies, enduring painful labour, and in some cases, minor surgery, we should be “back to normal” and on our feet within hours of giving birth. We should, in fact, be back at work! Giving birth should be like going to the dentist and getting a tooth pulled out eh?

In my opinion, this woman should be sent to the looney bin. God forbid, the girls under her supervision follow her example and attempt to be like her. It would be a disaster in the making. If a woman were lucky enough to have a healthy baby without complications, it would be a small miracle in itself. Not all women are so lucky. A long and painful labour can be debilitating, stitches even after a “normal” delivery are quite common and post-partum depression is a reality. Our mothers, grandmothers, great-grandmothers were not stupid when they insisted that new mothers needed as much rest as possible in the initial few weeks. Their rules were much stricter but they had a sound medical and scientific basis. The government is not stupid either when it insists on a two-week maternity leave for new mothers, nor has medical science debunked old theories and practises on child-birth and rearing.

It IS a fact that our bodies need time to heal and get back to normal after the nine-month long pregnancy. It is also a fact that mothers need time to bond with their babies, to nurture and feed them and get acclimatized to them. Babies have this uncanny knack of taking up all your time, attention and energy from the moment they arrive into the world. They are not mechanical toys that poop and burp on demand or don’t become cranky and colicky when you’re in a meeting!

It’s tough enough having to cope with a new baby on your own, but imagine the amount of pressure on woman if she feels she has to cope with the house, her family, new baby AND do justice to her work all at the same time, without taking time out to recuperate and re-adjust! The ones who can’t cope will feel like failures, the worst thing a new mother should feel. Ultimately, it’ll be the baby who will suffer. Suffer from lack of attention, an irritable mother, and maybe even worse neglect and abuse in the long run.

We are not superwomen and nor are we meant to be. We are women who’ve been given this special ability to bring forth life and nurture it. It is in our DNA to rear and protect our children to the best of our ability and to teach them to cope with life until they can find their own feet. Times have changed from our grandmothers’ times and yes, we CAN have a career and bring up children at the same time but to imply that it is easy and does not require immense hard work and sacrifice is criminally stupid.  Just like it is criminally stupid for someone in Helen Wright’s position to set such wrong examples. 

Barbaric? Cruel? Inhuman?

Inadequate words for what you see below.

We live in these glass and concrete ivory towers out here, thinking we're so safe and protected.  We think that there are laws and rules and regulations which govern and protect us and like the citizens of this country, we too have our rights and legal recourse. But what we're really like are those ostrich who bury their heads in the sand to block out what they don't want to see.

We're protected only by the twists of fate. God forbid that our luck should outrun us.

An Amazing Short Film

It's just 6 minutes long but it provokes thought and can jerks a few tears. Thank you Sona for the link!

View this movie at cultureunplugged.com

Words, Images, Fun

I was hunting for an online typography tool I'd used a long time ago to create my banner image  but couldn't for the life of me recall its name. Tried all kinds and combinations of google searches but just couldn't find that elusive website.

What I did come across were loads of online "generators" which spewed out all kinds of digital junk. Some cool, some fun and funky and some just plain blah. It was like playing with different mixers and blenders. Throw in some words, images; click a few buttons and voila, out came your very own home-brewed masterpiece or piece of kitsch.

Here are the results of some of the better ones:

The Wordle creates "word clouds". Input your words, click Go and well..this is a sample of what you get.

 

The Warholizer creates Andy Warhol-like masterpieces with your very own images. Upload your picture select your preferences and hit Create. Print the result onto canvas and you have your very own masterpiece.

Then you have the Mutapic which literally mutates your combination of colours, textures and symbols to give you a kaleidoscope of images. Something like this one:

 

The Textorizer recreates your pictures with words of your choice. Choose your image, type your text and textorize!

 

And finally I found the typoGenerator, the tool I had used a few years ago to create my header image. Here's another version of Virtual Scribbles:

Women's Day

• A nine year old girl is ex-communicated from the church because her doctors and mother had her twin foeteses aborted. She had been raped and impregnated by her step-father and the doctors feared she would never be able to carry the babies to full term and deliver them safely. Of course the church did nothing to condemn the stepfather.
• Females ranging from the age of 6 months to 83 years are being raped and horrendously mutilated in the DCR. Men with AIDS deliberately rape women to infect them with the virus. Rape isn't a sexual act in that country any more, it's become a WMD. They're destroying a whole generation, decimating the race, traumatizing the people to such an extent that they'll never be able raise their heads again.
• Then there's a website advertising a discount on their "wife-beater" tanks. How do you qualify for the discount? Prove you beat your wife.

Ok, so women, listen up, the above are just unfortunate isolated incidents. It doesn't apply to the majority of the women around the world. Just look at India, women are educated, working and reaching places only reserved for men in the corporate world. So what if they can't go to a pub or two for fear of being roughed up by the moral police? At least they're better off here then in the KSA where they still can't get a driving license or go to the mall without their male relative's permission or escort; or in Afghanistan where they can't even dare to go to school for fear of being poisoned or mutilated.

Forget these third world countries, women's rights will be the last things to be considered when a country is at war, is starving to death or has a majority of its population in abject poverty. They've got so many more important issues to contend with so a few rights violations here and there will have to be over-looked.

I'm sure the much more advanced and developed, the enlightened western world would have achieved complete equality for women. Their rights are being upheld and justice has finally come of age.

Then why do we have cases like that of the 19 year-old Calgary man who was let off with no punishment after raping a 14 year-old girl so drunk that she had passed out?

Or the case of the woman who was found with a broken nose, black eye and loose teeth, acid burns on her genitals, presumably to eliminate DNA evidence of rape, a trail of blood leading away from her tent and a bullet hole in her head. Unbelievably, that's not the most horrifying part of the story. Here's what is: Army investigators ruled her death a suicide.

And then there's the pregnant immigrant woman who was arrested, shackled and forced to give birth in jail, all because she did not have a current driver's license!

Yes, all of this happens in the developed countries, and yes. we're celebrating women's day today.