About a boy, about a girl….

It’s an old argument and one I’ve been in countless times. It’s an argument for which I have the best logical rebuttals possible, but which makes me loose my cool to the point where my logic goes haywire and I let my emotions rule. Needless to say, it’s an argument very close to my heart.

Of course it’s to do with the rights and role of women in our society, the gender-bias and the insidious and pervasive subliminal message we pass on to our children by our attitudes and actions.

The scenario: A family of three living in the west. Very well educated (both the adults), reasonably well-off, typical conservative Marwari family where old family values and systems are respected and taught to the next generation. Yet, they find a balance between the older values and the newer realities. The husband dismisses the age-old gender-defined roles and has no qualms about doing household chores. He doesn’t think of it as a “favor” to his wife, but a part of his role as one of the household. He might be the breadwinner but he doesn’t exempt himself from taking on laborious, menial tasks that need to be done to run the household.

In my point of view, he should be commended, not just for taking on the tasks that would traditionally be seen as the wife’s, but also for doing it in such a matter of fact manner that it seems the norm, not the exception. In fact, he is ridiculed and what he does is seen as something astonishing and shameful, especially for any “woman” who happens to be present. How shameful that a MAN has to do the dishes while we women sit around and watch!!

I can understand this attitude in women a generation or two older than me. It was the norm for my grandmother and to a certain extent, my mother. But not for women of my generation and certainly not to the ones who come after us. Of course, I’m talking about my contemporaries and the women of my social strata.

From my very basic understanding of human psychology, I’d say that every human being has one common need: the need to feel needed, to be valued and to feel that he/she can make a contribution in some way. In earlier days, gender-roles were well defined and kept that way through a number of ways, education being the most important. The MEN got the education, therefore THEY became the breadwinners. They contributed in a big way to the household AND they held the economic power. Women were told to stay at home as that was their “place”. Completely acceptable to most of them as they had little or no knowledge of the outside world and were not given any means to gain that knowledge either. They needed to feel useful and valued so they contributed in the best way they could. By running the households, taking on the tedious, laborious, back-breaking thankless jobs and doing them gracefully and effortlessly. Being mothers and housewives was what they were trained for from childhood and they took great pride in excelling at it.

When education opened the minds of women, they realized that they did not need to stay contained within the four walls of their homes. My mother’s generation still took on the traditional roles, but they also travelled, read and saw the world. They took on roles that were earlier left to the “men” of the house AND they handled the normal ones of mother and wife. In my opinion, they were truly superwomen.

Then came my generation. We were encouraged to educate ourselves and become economically independent. Even though there were definite gender-biases and the long-held beliefs of the patriarchal society still held sway (a BOY’s duty was to take over the household and look after his parents and a GIRL’s duty was to adjust and align herself into her husband’s household), we were given a certain amount of freedom to make our own choices and if we were lucky and chose wisely, we ended up with husbands like Sanjay or the man in the scenario I presented above.

For women like me, who CHOOSE to become homemakers, mothers and wives, it’s very important for the men in our lives to accept the idea that it is a conscious choice and to an extent, a sacrifice. A sacrifice we CONSCIOUSLY make. I think there are very few people who would WANT to do tedious, menial, laborious work unless they CHOOSE to. For people living in places where there is little or no household help and yet they still want the same level of comfort as they were used to, roles need to be re-defined. The husband needs to acknowledge that yes, his wife has chosen to take on the difficult task of running a household even though she contributes in many other ways and takes on roles and tasks which have crossed over from being traditionally his. An important and very necessary way is for HIM to take on roles and tasks which were traditionally considered to be the woman’s. There is no shame in that, in fact, I would say there is something to be really proud of here.

I’m definitely very proud of Sanjay in that respect. He has always, from the very beginning, treated me as an equal and has never tried to confine me into a particular role. The only expectation he has of me is to conform to the basic values he stands by. He acknowledges and respects the fact that I took on the role of homemaker and mother as a choice and I had to sacrifice a career to do that. He acknowledges the fact that I do a damn good job of what I do and leaves it entirely to me. And yet, he never EVER takes it for granted. He appreciates my efforts and tries to make my job easier wherever possible – just like I do for him. He’s washed dishes, cleaned floors, cleaned out toilets, washed clothes, ironed, cooked (to the best of his abilities), and done some things even better than me, with great pride and love.

When I look at my daughters I hope I see them in a truly neutral light; as my children despite their gender. I have the same expectations, hopes and dreams of them as I would of any son. Though it has been pointed out to me that it’s unfortunate I don’t have a son, I have never, ever felt disappointed. To me, it makes no difference what gender my children are as long as they become good human beings. I don’t need a “son” to look after me in my old age nor do I need one to carry my dead body to the funeral pyre (or cremation chamber!). It’s my children’s privilege and duty and I have two of them.